Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconsachalkhan: More from sachalkhan


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
June 2, 2012
File Size
985 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
204
Favourites
6 (who?)
Comments
12
×
she says Imagine

that god is the field beneath us,
and the trees are his angels -  

(i pray to them, you know,
wrap myself around the bark like vines,
each of my thousand fingers curls to catch each twig.
but on bad days i am poison ivy
and my fingernails are nettles,
my long torso is tied in knots and clumps
like my hung over hair.)

- or Suppose

that love is a recluse and a painter,
and hate is his morbid self critic -

(i'm a painter too, you know,
my brush screeches up at me
as if to say breathe me, breathe me!
but on bad days i am a smoker
whose lungs wither like untended plants,
my tongue is tied in knots and clumps
that deep breaths can't unseam.)

drunk, i watch her Muse drift from her tongue
to tickle the trees nearby
odd drunk experience
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Student Writer
Before I review this, I want to say that I personally wish that I was this insightful after drinking. I tend to get sick and fall asleep. I envy you.

This poem comes off as ecstatic (In the first three stanzas). The first three lines hook the reader and the following stanza reads brilliantly to give the reader both emotion and vivid imagery in few words. Although there are several lines in this stanza, I feel like you could have dragged on pages.

What I also liked was the juxtaposition of the third and sixth stanzas. The third hints at this lovely and spiritual connection to the earth while the latter reeks of morbidity and darkness. Another thing I caught was this addressed as the spiritual vs the artist. I will be thinking about this shift for quite a while. Thank you for that even if it wasn't intended.

Vision: 5/5
Originality: 5/5
Technique: 5/5 (Your ability to shift from few word fragments to full stanzas is great. Your punctuation was interesting as well.
Impact 5/5

Very well constructed poem.
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh my god, thank you so much. I can't be more grateful for your time and your review and your praise - and i don't know what more to say apart from another thank you.

p.s i guess the sickness and sleeping comes with heavier drinking. we were just drunk, i guess, not badly. this piece was more or less based on her side of the conversation, written in early March i think.

thanks a bunch again!
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Student Writer
Also, feel free to message me anytime you would like a specific poem broken down. I'd be very happy to help!
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, that'd be fantastic man. i sure will! :D
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Student Writer
Not a problem. Thank YOU for the good read
Reply
:iconchewyraezen:
chewyraezen Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
well written an enjoyable read.
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thanks a bunch :)
Reply
:iconlil-muse:
Lil-Muse Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012
This is really great! I like your style :)
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thanks a bunch! :D
Reply
:iconofwindandweeping:
ofwindandweeping Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012
I'm sorry you live in a pretentious community. This is a great piece, though.
Reply
Add a Comment: